Lately

Hey everyone! I'm back after a semi-long hiatus. Still working. Still doing nothing with my life except K-Pop. Speaking of which....

Taeyeon, my favorite member, released her solo mini-album on October 7th, "I". There are six tracks on her album:

• I - With lyrics she wrote herself, this song portrays how she feels about her life and the song is honestly just the best. Listen to it. It also features Verbal Jint, the rapper.

• I (Instrumental) - Pretty self-explanatory. It's just I without her singing. 

• U R - Okay now this song is life. I can't even talk about it without getting emotional. It's a ballad with a soft piano in the background that eventually turns into a full-scale orchestra I swear, and I can't even remember the lyrics rn but it's beautiful. My favorite song of 2015, hands down.

• Stress - A more upbeat song about a relationship where the boyfriend (or whatever) is just a pain in the butt and causes her a lot of stress (wow, just like the title). Fun to jam out to.

• Gemini - I absolutely adore this one. I didn't like it at first because it's a R&B song, but it grew on me and now I love it. Gorgeous.

• Farewell - I honestly haven't listened to this enough to give a detailed summary, but I'm sure it's amazing because Taeyeon.

Flawless

Look at this bae

Slayage

Server Tae is the best Tae

Not to mention that this was back in October. Her song "I" received an all-kill (ranking number one) on the main Korean charts, almost missing it because "U R" was #1 on one of them (which is hilarious to me; she couldn't get an all-kill because one song was blocking the other). She also received the Triple Crown: receiving 1st place for three weeks in a row on Music Bank. It's fabulous. I still love it.  

 To promote her solo debut, Taeyeon held a solo concert that spanned over 4 days as part of SM Entertainment's concert series labeled "The Agit". The dates she performed were October 23, 25, 29th, and November 1st.

Goddess

Ethereal

Beauty

Soon thereafter, SNSD held a solo concert in Seoul called "Phantasia" on November 21st and 22nd. They performed many of their title songs, as well as others on their past albums. They'll continue their Phantasia tour into Japan during December, but no other countries have been announced.

Into The New World, the acoustic version

Next big thing: TTS's comeback. Girls' Generation's sub-unit, TaeTiSeo, most recently had their comeback on December 4th, 2015. It was a special Christmas mini-album, titled "Dear Santa". The title track was released in an English and Korean version, Seohyun writing the lyrics for the Korean. 

Adorable babies

Taeyeon is fav, of course

Actual five year-olds, I swear

But also goddesses (Ignore the bad quality)

 Anyway, yeah. That's my update on my girls. I've been wallowing in the black hole that is K-Pop, so other than that, nothing interesting has been happening.

The End!

Have some SoShi

Null

Hello there. I know I've been on hiatus for a while, and it's for a good reason so calm down.

Nothing much has been happening so far. And by nothing, I quite literally mean nothing.

I've worked for the past two months non-stop. I get a couple days off here and there, fortunately, but never consistently. All my friends have left for college.

Have you ever been at a point in your life where nothing gives you real satisfaction? You have so many things that you'd like to do, but won't ever, so you just sit around being unhappy all the time? You literally want to do everything and yet nothing.

I have hit that point.

I mean, sure, I'm at a weird transitioning point in my life; that awkward space between high school and college where all my friends are getting married or are in relationships, while I'm here....Not.

Yep. It's great.

My life has become null and void of any real joy. And I don't say that in a pitiful way at all. It's simple fact. Not much makes me happy anymore. I just kind of float from day to day, working and barely sleeping or eating.

The only consistent thing is my music. I listen to it when I'm not sleeping or working (which isn't that often, sadly), and it keeps me going. Yeah sure, I don't understand it because it's in a different language, but I feel like that makes it that much better, you know? I like it despite not understanding a single word of it.

[And now I will do a SNSD masterpost on their latest comeback]

SNSD has come back since my last post, with a single "Party", and soon after "Check", released July 6th.

Aw look at them. My girls. (Minus Jessica T.T)

(Check)

My girls slowly killing me.

Since then, they've released their newest (and most experimental, imo) album; Lion Heart. The entire album includes three singles: "Party", "Lion Heart", and "You Think".

Lion Heart is a BEAUTIFUL video, just throwing that out there.

BAES

IM DEAD

Okay, then you've got You Think which is totally different from what they've done before.

Very bad-girl. 

I LOVE IT.

(Okay I'm done).

People make fun of me -I know. Let them laugh. Let them poke fun and mock what they don't know. They're only doing what they've been taught: to shun anything that's different from what they do or think.

Don't get me wrong -I love being gay. It's one of the best (yet worst?) things to happen to me because I've learned how people act and think. I've learned to open my mind to others' opinions, and not be a total dirtbag because I may not see eye-to-eye with them.

Anywho, that's my story of the past two months. Tolerating people because I have no patience whatsoever.


The end.

Time Machine

Hiya! So, it's been a while. A very long while. This is just sort of an update about everything?? I guess.

First, the status on Quinn and Trinity. Trinity and I are...awkward. I squirm just thinking about it *shivers* but Quinn and I are still friends. We've moved past all the awkwardness of our history without forgetting it, so that's good. But we're still able to talk about it like mature human beings (wow Alex grew up) and we continue to learn from the experience.

Also...I may or may not have done that to my friend, Ashley. She and I got close around the last time I posted, and we started hanging, talking, etc...No, I didn't like her, fyi. BUT I found out, she started to like me. Yes, she is gay. But she didn't realize it until she started hanging out with me (?!). Just to throw it out there, this wasn't the healthiest relationship. Quinn and I didn't have a healthy relationship because we were too close, too dependent on each other. Ashley and I just weren't helping each other. We just had two (also too) different personalities.

So I broke it off. Permanently. Before she got too attached. That should've been easier, right?

Welp, that idea went to crap.

She was not happy. At all. She blamed it on Quinn and what she had done to me (because it was essentially the same thing, right? WRONG), and even confronted her about it. I mean, I don't blame her. From her end, that's what it looked like. Lucky for me, Quinn understood. She let Ashley take the anger out on her for a minute because everyone needs to vent.

Adventure #1: survived.


Next thing that's changed, I finally started liking someone else! It took me, hmm, eight months to fully get over Quinn, and I didn't realize I was until I started liking another little blonde. She was (and is)  my co-worker, believe it or not. I fell fast and hard. It took me around a week to start imagining a future with her -don't judge, okay- and everything seemed happy-go-lucky. We built a friendship rather quickly, and we get along better than ever! Of course, I'd never tell her of my little crush, but seeing her made my day.

Fortunately, (surprisingly) luck was on my side this time. After a month or so, those feelings started to fade. I was slowly learning more and more about her, spending time with her, and the initial "lustful" thoughts were replaced with hilarious and random facts about her and her personality. I still love her to death, but as a friend. Only as a friend. I must admit, it's pretty awesome.

So what then do I decide to occupy my very limited free time with?

LET ME SHOW YOU.

(left to right: Kwon Yuri, Kim Taeyeon, Choi Sooyoung, Im Yoona, Seo Ju-hyun (referred to as "Seohyun"), Kim Hyoyeon, Lee Sunkyu, Jessica Jung, and Hwang Tiffany)

THESE ARE MY GIRLS. 

A friend of mine recently dragged me down the swirling vortex of K-Pop. While I'm still not well-versed in the hundreds of different artists and groups, I have found my obsession with So Nyeo Shi Dae -SNSD, aka Girls' Generation. There are 9 members (eight now TT.TT) and they debuted in 2007. They are babes now, of course. My favorites include: 

Miss Kim Taeyeon:

I mean look at this dork

She's adorable

Beautiful Ice Princess (Jes)Sica:

I

can't

Together they are TaengSic:

I also love Sooyoung, 

(the giant)

Yoona, 

(and her adorable alligator laugh)

Tiffany

THAT EYESMILE MAN

and Yuri. 

(she has the best bod tbh)

wait for it....

THERE WE GO

I mean, of course I love the others (Hyoyeon dancing queen, maknae Seohyun, and aegyo-master Sunny) but those are my favs. They're all such DORKS, I can't HANDLE IT. 

Their most popular songs include: 

• "Into the New World" - 2007, their debut song
• "Gee" -2008
• "Oh!" -2009
• "Genie (Tell Me Your Wish)" -idek about years anymore
• "The Boys" which they promoted in English as well (but it's not as good as the Korean version tbh)
• "I Got A Boy" kinda weird, but hey, its catchy.
• "Catch Me If You Can" as their latest comeback (without Sica) which is just kinda lame imo.

THAT'S ALL. 

(also the post is named after one of their songs)

Nachos and Awkward Talks

Hey there! So, back when everything went down with Trinity, my life wasn't so happy-go-lucky. Basically, after I told her, she didn't really want anything to do with me. And who can blame her, really? It's an awkward situation, and I totally understood that. Basically, here's what went down:


The lights are off, contributing to the serious atmosphere. 

"Look, Trinity," I begin, her back facing me as she gathers her books. "I need to tell you something."

"Alex, if it's about what you were telling Quinn, I really don't care anymore," Trinity says, exasperated as she faces me.

"No, no," I say quickly, "Just...sit down. Please." I motion to the chair nearest her while sitting in my own. I take a deep breath before continuing, bracing myself for the worst.

"Okay, it sort of is about that, but not really. What I was telling her was that..." Oh man. "Trinity -I'm gay." 

........

I look up from the floor, scared senseless. Her eyebrows furrow, still absorbing what I'd said. 

"Like, gay-lez...?" She asks apprehensively, blue eyes making contact with my own. Her eyebrow does the adorable thing where it quirks up when she's being sassy or confused.

"Erm, sort of," I shrug, realizing that those were not the most choice words I could've used. "I guess it's not, because the term 'gay' implies action -as in being physically with another man, or in my case, woman. The term 'same-gender attraction' is more appropriate to say."

I continued to explain to her the dynamics of what my feelings were and basically I was just a rambling mess. Eventually, I got around to the main point of it all.

"...and that's why I care about you so much, and how you feel about me." I finish weakly, trailing off as I wait for my confession to fully hit her. I study her face, searching for some sign of recognition or realization on her part, but she doesn't betray any emotion.

After sitting a moment in silence, she begins to stand. Without a word, she grabs the rest of her things and brushes past me, out the door. No eye contact, no goodbyes exchanged. 

"Well," I say to myself, "That went well."


And that's how I told her. I realize now I shouldn't have told her. At least not then. Then again, we all know me and my decision-making skills. They aren't exactly the best.

Anyway, fast-forward to a week later, the beginning of Christmas break. I decided (again, I shouldn't make my own decisions at this point) it would be a good idea to visit dear Quinn at her house. Where she lives. With her sister. Trinity. Yeah.

It was...awkward. Trinity was definitely there, and we didn't say a single word to each other all night. Like, not even eye contact or acknowledgement of the other's existence. 


"Are you hungry?" Quinn asked, already knowing the answer.

I just grinned at her. 

"Nachos it is," she laughed as she pulled out the cheese. Ever since I had started visiting them, I'd always had homemade nachos when I came over. Trinity introduced me to the idea, but it had caught on as I visited more and more often.

I stood from my spot at the table and made my way over to their pantry. Pulling out a bag of chips, I heard Trinity begin to practice her latest piece. I tried to ignore the sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and mustered a smile. 

I turned to Quinn. "Plates?" 

She pointed to the cupboard about two down from the one she was using. I strode over confidently, trying to shake away my feeling of uneasiness. I could still hear Trinity playing, making it somewhat difficult to have a conversation at normal volume. 

Get it together, Cohen.

I shook my head, staring at the plate of chips and cheese I'd built without realizing it. Quinn didn't say anything, aware of the awkward tension surrounding us and the whole situation.

"Here," she held out her hand for my plate. I handed it over, going around to sit down at the table. I watched as she placed one plate on the microwave base, then turned a cup upside down to elevate the other. 

"Hm," I smiled, "That's pretty clever, there." She straightened after switching it on, turning towards me with a smile of her own.

"Isn't it? I found it on Pinterest, actually." Her blue eyes sparked with the excitement they usually had when talking about Pinterest. She sat next to me, a little bit of her hair falling in her face. I smiled as she brushed it out of her face. Her brows scrunched together when she noticed it, making me laugh inside. Shen noticed my silence, then looked at me questioningly. "What is it?"

"Nothing," I grinned. It's just that you're the best best friend I ever could've asked for. It's just that I die a little inside every time I see you out of pure joy and happiness that I met you. It's just that, even though I lost Trinity's friendship from it, telling you my secret has produced the best relationship I've ever had, I thought. "It's nothing."

Oblivious to the fact that I looked like an idiot, she walked over to the microwave and grabbed our nachos. Trinity was still practicing, and I looked over to see their mother walk in the kitchen wearing a look that said "we need to talk".

Her eyes grazed the room, looking for a specific someone who just happened to be setting down my food at that moment. When they connected with mine, the classic Hale grin spread on her face. 

"Hi, Alex!" She said cheerily. Then in a more serious tone, "Quinn, could you come here for a minute?"

We both looked up in the sudden change in her voice, exchanging a confused glance at each other.

"Sure," Quinn dropped the chip she was about to eat, throwing me a reassured look over her shoulder as they exited the room.

 
The next few minutes were freakin' torture. I ate my chips, alone, to the sound of my previous best friend's crazy insane piano playing. It's like it was mocking me, each dissonant note stabbing me in the chest, reminding me of what I used to have. Quinn and her mom had disappeared to who-knows-where, talking about who-knows-what, while I listened to my ex-best friend do the thing I love the most. Yeah.Tell me about it.


 I looked up to see Quinn and her mom come back into the room. Their faces held a sombre tone, sending a sinking feeling into my stomach. Quinn took her place next to me while her mom continued to the room where Trinity was. After making sure she was out of earshot, I turned to Quinn.

"What did she say?" I asked cautiously. "I mean, you don't have to tell me if it's not my business."

"Uh," she began, "She just asked me about you and Trinity." Her eyes were downcast, avoiding eye contact.

"Okaaayyy," I drew out the word, hinting for her to continue.

She got it. "And I told her we were taking care of it." She looked up. Those eyes. I nodded in understanding, silently thanking the world for a best friend like her.

Suddenly, we heard footsteps on the kitchen tile. I glanced over to see it was her mom again, and exhaled a sigh of relief. She stopped about ten feet away, looking directly at me.

"So, are you and Trinity still friends?" Her arms were folded over her chest, obviously sending the "don't you dare lie to me" vibe. 

Well, [insert expletive here].

My jaw dropped a little, and I looked at Quinn. Unable to think of a plausible excuse, I decided to keep it simple.

"It's complicated." Please, for the sake of my sanity, leave it at that.

We all stood in silence for a moment, Trinity having abandoned her practicing. It seemed like an hour until her mom slowly nodded her head, accepting my answer. 

"Okay," she looked at us one last time before turning and leaving the room.

I exhaled a breath I didn't know I was holding. "I thought I was gonna die."

"My mom wouldn't kill you," Quinn replied, smiling at me. 

"I sure hope not," I laughed, the tension easing a little. "I mean, I am her daughter's best friend. And her other daughters previous best friend." 

"I never thought of it like that," she tilted her head, pondering this new information. She shrugged. "Come on, I've got a deck of cards upstairs just waiting for me to beat you at Speed." 

"Oh?" I raised an eyebrow playfully as I followed her. "Bring it."


The rest of the night went without incident, luckily. And by "incident", I mean no awkward run-ins with Trinity or her mom. *wipes forehead of imaginary condensation* Praise the heavens. Although, according to Quinn, Trinity did consider us "friends" when they talked to their mom about it...Weird.

So yeah, that's all for now. 

Living

Being Alive

Someone to hold you too close,
Someone to hurt you too deep,
Someone to sit in your chair,
To ruin your sleep.

Someone to need you too much,
Someone to know you too well,
Someone to pull you up short
And put you through hell.

Someone you have to let in,
Someone whose feelings you spare,
Someone who, like it or not,
Will want you to share
A little, a lot.

Someone to crowd you with love,
Someone to force you to care,
Someone to make you come through,
Who'll always be there,
As frightened as you
Of being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive.

Somebody, hold me too close,
Somebody, hurt me too deep,
Somebody, sit in my chair
And ruin my sleep
And make me aware
Of being alive,
Being alive.

Somebody, need me too much,
Somebody, know me too well,
Somebody, pull me up short
And put me through hell
And give me support
For being alive,
Make me alive,
Make me alive,
Make me confused,
Mock me with praise,
Let me be used,
Vary my days.
But alone is alone, not alive.

Somebody, crowd me with love,
Somebody, force me to care,
Somebody, let me come through,
I'll always be there,
As frightened as you,
To help us survive
Being alive,
Being alive,
Being alive!

Trinity

"I wish she could come with us," I glanced over at my friend, Honor, who was still sitting on the piano bench. "It won't be complete without her."

"I know," I replied, smiling sadly. "So do I. But you heard her -it's an expensive trip." I turned back what I was doing and began mindlessly flipping through the piles of sheet music on the baby grand. Trinity had run to her locker for some books before we headed to the local bookstore.

Suddenly, an idea sprang to my mind. The trip was in March, giving us a little over a month until we left. Trinity's birthday was in less than two weeks. Wouldn't it be a fabulous present to surprise her with her ticket to Disneyland? I immediately turned to Honor, eyes full of excitement and hope, but then the reality of what I was about to say hit me. I closed my mouth while she looked at me, head tilted quizzically.

"What is it?" Honor questioned, her tone light upon seeing my excitement. 

 Would it work? I bit my lip in concentration, weighing the odds of pulling this off. "Well...I have an idea."

She rolled her eyes then looked back at me, chuckling slightly. "Obviously." 

"What if," I began cautiously, unsure of her reaction, "Trinity did have a way to pay?" 

"For Disneyland." It wasn't a matter of what for, but how it would happen. Her brow furrowed as she stared at me to continue.

"Yes," I started, smiling as the possibility became clear in my mind, "For Disneyland. I was thinking, her birthday is coming up soon, right?" 

She nodded patiently, waiting for me to state my point.

"Well, everyone really likes her, right? What if we got all of our friends in Mads," I paused, pursing my lips before adding, "and those who are not in Mads, to chip in a little bit for a birthday present? It costs around $350. There are over 40 people in Madrigals, not to mention all of her friends, so it would be easy if everyone contributed around $10."

A smile slowly spread across Honor's face, growing bigger as I explained my plan. By the end, she was nodding her head, grinning from ear to ear. "Yes! That would be fantastic!" 

I let out a relieved sigh, happy that she agreed with me. "Great! I'll make a notebook to write down everyone's names and how much they'll give!" I grabbed my Peruvian bag/satchel that hung on the chair next to me. After rummaging for a second, I pulled out my spiral notebook, flipping to a blank page and clicking my pen. 

"Wait," I heard Honor say, catching the barest of worry in her voice. My brain snapped out of its reverie as I stared blankly at her. "I think we should call her mom about this first -just to make sure it's okay with her." 

I shook my head, mentally slapping myself for not thinking of that sooner. "Oh yeah, of course! Duh." 

She reached over the piano, handing me her iPhone and motioned to the already turned-on screen. "I have her number, if you want to call her." She emphasized the word "you", probably since I was the one that came up with the idea. 

Just as the phone was about to drop into my open palm, we heard the choir room door open as Trinity strode into the room, textbooks in hand. 

"Hey guys," she began, a grin on her face as she saw the phone in my hand. "What are you up to?"

Being the oh-so-smooth actress I was, [and still am, by the way] I slipped the phone into my pocket and flashed her a cheeky smile. "I was just telling Honor here about how I'm going to ride the craziest roller coaster in California Adventure first."

Trinity rolled her eyes but was still smiling, "Of course you will, Alex." She turned to Honor and held up a duet they had to learn for Region. "Ready to practice?"

She returned her smile, "Definitely." As Trinity walked around the piano to sit on the bench, Honor flashed me a look that said, "Call her mom".

"Well," I sighed in fake disappointment, "As much as I would love to hear you guys play the same thing over and over again, I have to make a phone call. I'll be back."

Trinity raised a questioning eyebrow at me, silently asking who it was. I didn't bother to answer and shrugged my shoulders, spinning on my heel towards the adjoining room. "Later," I called over my shoulder.

As I strode across the room, I heard them begin practicing the quick, intense song. Upon opening the door, I quickly dialed the number and hit "call".


I then proceeded to have a hilariously awkward conversation with Trinity's mom about my little plan. Eventually, I managed to get through it without sounding like a complete idiot, and her mom thanked me for being such a caring and thoughtful friend to Trinity.


"Oh really, it's nothing I wouldn't do for anyone else," I told her honestly. "Trinity is one of my closest friends, and I would rather stay home than go without her."

"Well, thank you again so much. I'll keep it a secret," her mother replied. "You girls go out and have a fun day!" 

"We will!" I hung up the phone and grabbed the door handle, swiftly returning to the piano. Honor's eyes flicked towards mine, questioning Trinity's mom's response.

I grinned widely, nodding my head. I couldn't contain my excitement. Trinity was coming with us to Disneyland! And even if we didn't earn enough to pay for the whole trip, I'd just make up for the difference. 

Honor shared my enthusiasm, beaming as she practiced her duet with Trin. Lucky for us, Trinity either didn't notice or didn't care that we were smiling like idiots for no particular reason.

Now it was time to put my plan in action.


To avoid the longest, most boring post about how exactly I set up everyones donations, I'll crop it down. Basically, I just talked to them and collected the money the next day. I stored it in an envelope that was kept safely in my bag until we finally got enough. Everyone I asked was on board and eager to help, donating about $10. I explained it as a birthday gift from everyone to her, which made it that much better.

Now, fast-foward to when we went shopping for the perfect card to put the receipt in.


"What about this one?" I held up a colorful card with balloons on it, looking over the row to Honor. 

She scrutinized it for a moment, scrunching her eyebrows together. "No, not quite. It has to be perfect." She walked around the corner, starting on a new aisle.

I placed the card back in its proper holder. "Honor, I'm awful at this. I don't know what she'd like." I managed to meander halfway across the store before I heard her shout.

"Oh my gosh!" Honor exclaimed loud enough to be heard through the entire store. "This is it! It's perfect!"

I blindly searched the aisles until I found her, clutching a rather thick-looking card to her chest. When she saw me, she thrust the card out, gesturing for me to read it.

I looked at the front. It was the scene of a carnival -a ferris wheel, booths, and fireworks- against the night sky. In gold letters, it read; "A place that's full of fun and excitement..."

I flipped it open, finding a similar picture and the words; "...is a place where you deserve to be!"

Looking up, I smiled at Honor. "It's fantastic."


Now cut to a week later. It was a Friday, three days before Trinity and Quinn's birthday. Their mom, Honor and I had planned a surprise party, inviting all of their friends at school and close family to their house. While their mom kept them away from home, we set up all sorts of decorations, streamers, a banner, signs, you name it. We also bought a cake for them and some smaller presents for Quinn. Finally, their mom texted us that they were on their way home.


"Now remember," Knox, their older brother, began. "When I say 'what's up girls?' is when you'll all pop out and surprise them."

"Okay, okay, we got it," Honor sassed. "Now scatter!"

Everyone in the room (about 35-40 people) scrambled to find their hiding places. I ran into their laundry room, which was around five feet from the door, a few people following me in. I peeked out the door at Knox, reclining comfortably on the couch. 

After a few moments of "Shhsh!"ing, we heard their garage door being opened. The entire room went silent, none of us uttering a word. The car door slammed shut, matching the hammering of my heart.

Their voices were muffled as they approached the door, giving us plenty of warning before they walked in. You could practically smell the excitement in the air.

The handle turned and Trinity walked in, Quinn following closely behind. 

"Hey girls. What's up?" Knox said rather obviously.

The entire room exploded with "SURPRISE!" as we all emerged from our hiding places. The look on their faces went from shock to confused, seeing as it wasn't their birthday quite yet.

Since I was the closest, I grabbed Trinity in a hug. "Hey birthday girl!" When I released her, she still looked confused. The rest of the crowd had caught up to me, quickly swarming the two girls. 


By this time, they knew what was going on. After the initial shock wore off, we all started socializing and ate cake & ice cream. Eventually, we got around to opening the (few) presents for them. Instead of just the two of us (me and Honor) signing the card, we had passed it around to all of the kids who had donated so they could write a small message. We then put the receipt of the purchased trip into the card.


"Okay everyone, gather 'round!" Honor's best friend, Nikki, shouted. "Time to open presents!"

We all settled down to form an extremely lopsided circle around the twins. Most of us were still eating the last bit of cake on our plates. 

"Alright. Quinn first." One of Quinn's friends handed her her presents.

Eventually, after opening some candy and jewelry, it was Trinity's turn. Everyone in the room had either contributed to Trinity's present or brought something for Quinn, leaving nothing else but the card. 

"Trinity's turn," Honor smiled and nudged me with her elbow, just as giddy as I was. I held the card in my hand nervously, anxious for her to find out what it was. Because I had come up with the idea, everyone had agreed that I give it to her. 

I rose to my feet, then crossed the circle to Trinity. My face hurt from smiling too much as I handed her the card. She took it cautiously, giving me a weird look before looking back down at it. 

"It's from a lot of us," I explained, returning to my spot. Her blue eyes were locked with mine until I smiled, reassuring her.

She quickly opened the envelope and pulled out the card. Every face was on hers as she scanned the front, then opened it. Inside were all the signatures and well-wishes we had written, handwritten by each of us. The receipt had been folded neatly as to not reveal itself too early. She pulled it out, dropping the card on her lap. 

"Is this part of it?" She questioned, looking at no one in particular. Unfolding the paper, she scanned the short line. Her eyebrows scrunched together, not quite believing what she was seeing. Then she broke out into a huge grin. "Are you serious?!" 

Honor couldn't contain it anymore. "You're going to Disneyland!!!" The rest of us shouted with glee, throwing our hands in the air.

Trinity looked as if she was going to burst with excitement. "Oh my gosh!" She stood up and everybody rushed her, creating one giant group hug. 


I could've exploded with joy then. I was so happy that she was coming with us, and I literally could not stop smiling.

The rest of the day continued with the party, all of us celebrating the fact that she was going. It was one of the best times in our friendship. Trinity couldn't stop smiling, and I felt my heart would just jump out of my chest.


That was one of my favorite memories of Trinity. I would've done anything for her. I didn't end up paying as much as I thought I would. I paid for about a third of her trip, her mom paid for another third, and the rest of the kids made up the rest. I would've gladly paid more. But Trinity didn't feel quite the same.

And I was going to find that out very, very soon.

Mental Mayhem

Like any normal person, I talk to myself. Sometimes aloud, but more often not. I'm sure everyone's lost an argument to themselves at least once before, and there's not really anything you can do about it. Now, for me, I have a lot of arguments. Most of the time, it's about whether I should eat the fifth cookie or if I really need to cook another hot pocket, whereas I don't put up much of a fight. But the arguments I do put forth effort into...Those are more serious. They look a lot like this:


*pretty girl walks by*

Me: *looks over subtly* 

Me: Oi! What are you doing?! Stop it!

Me: *shakes head, smacks self in the face*

Me: Don't look at her, don't turn your head, don't-

Me: *does a double take*

Me: Just for a second.

Me: *smacks self again much, much harder*

From an outside view, that's what it looks like. Here's what it sounds like on the inside:


*pretty girl walks by*

Me: "Hm. Not bad. Not bad at all."

Me: "Dude, control yourself. You're not some hormonal teenage boy."

Me: "Might as well be. It wouldn't hurt to glance. No one will even notice."

Me: *Sudden realization as to what I am doing* "Oh my gosh. I can't believe I just did that. Bad Alex! Bad, bad, bad, bad, BAD!"

Me: "See what I mean? Big no-no."

Me: "Yeah, I see. But -"

Me: "No 'buts'."


So basically, I have two minds, all the time. One is telling me to just do what I want, while the other is essentially the voice of reason. Both make valid arguments, minus the fact that one plays with my emotions far too much. But, as one of my favorite TV shows says, "I've tried so hard to push this feeling away, to keep it locked inside, but every day just feels like a war." 

Oh, the truth of that statement. But, instead of fighting a battle on two fronts, I find myself trying to fight three. The first? It's the more spiritual part of me: My belief that is rooted so deeply inside of me. The knowledge that I've gained from my religion that any homosexual activity is a sin. And it's not necessarily that the attraction is a bad thing, but acting on it is. 

The second is more emotional and physical; the fact that every fiber of my being wants something that it can't ever have. Basically, I am drawn to the female population because of the emotional connection that you can't quite have with a man. Also, with the way women are objectified and constantly put on display in magazines and other media outlets to be admired for their beauty? It doesn't help that I see that everywhere I go. (It's quite awful, actually, feeling like a hormonal teenage boy all the time.) 

And the last is my logical/mental self: It wouldn't be smart to be different, to be the outcast. I'm already different enough as it is. After all, being a separate ethnicity than everyone else already draws too much attention. Then there's the opinions, the bluntness. It's not insensitive, but, for some people, can be uncomfortably straight-forward. To declare my attraction to the same gender? I'm pretty sure that would push people over the edge.

So I kept to myself. I didn't share anything personal with anyone, even my family. I always saw myself as an outsider, and I sort of blocked everyone from seeing the real me. The one that was hiding in the corner, afraid and ashamed of what people would think of her. But on the outside, I was happy and outgoing, always making new friends. Even throughout high school, I managed to stumble upon the most accepting and fun-loving clique: The theatre nerds. We laughed, we played, we accepted one another for all of their virtues as well as their flaws. It was the best family I could've asked for. (Also, I ran into some pretty interesting people because of that.)

While my social life at school was awesome, I couldn't say the same for my home life. I was more guarded around my family than I was with my friends. I didn't want them to know me, I didn't want them to judge me.

You're probably thinking, "Alex, they're your family. They'll love you no matter what."

I know. I've heard that probably a million times now.

But life at home proved otherwise. Ever since I was twelve, I had been teased about just about everything. My sense of style, the way I walked, the way I did my hair. Heck, even my favorite type of music. And I'm not referring to the normal "teasing" that every kid goes through. I mean the judgmental looks from my siblings and parents. I would simply walk out of my room, and my own mother would look me up and down with an expression that said, "Where did I go wrong with you?". Then she'd sigh, shake her head, and go back to whatever it was that she was doing. I'd continue into the kitchen, and see my sister eating breakfast. Same reaction. Except the look would go with the phrase, "What are you wearing?"

It wasn't just clothing. I would be teased about being in certain classes, liking certain things. I played the flute when I was younger, and later into high school. Did I get a bunch of crap for being in Band class? You betcha. Although none of my siblings had any malicious intent, their words still got through and managed to tear my self-esteem down. The most common phrases I heard included, "Band is for losers", "You're so weird for doing that", and others just like it. 


So I guess, maybe a part of me didn't want to reveal my little secret to anyone because I was already a freak. I used to think that it was cool to be different, to be unique. Now I realize it's what sets me apart from the rest of my friends and family.  

When I was around my friends, being different was awesome. I was always the funny one with the smart-aleck comments, and I was extremely blunt. I was sarcastic, brutally honest, and basically the witty one. If I hadn't been as talented as I was (no bragging -promise) I never would have had the guts to be as forward as I was. But, lucky for me, my friends loved me just the way I was. They loved that I was different from them, whereas my family treated it like a curse -like it was some disease. 

But life goes on, and people grow up. They grow out of their grudges and stupid prejudices. I'm not excluded from that. I wish I could be more close to my family, but at this point, there's not much that would help. And it's rough, but it's like they say: "The struggle is real."

Glee Premiere!!!!

Okay y'all. Glee's season 6 premiere was today, and it was wonderful. But there were 5 seconds that literally made it all worth it. From 6x03 promo:

And now I'm just going to sit in the corner and die out of happiness.

Filing

Throughout my normal day, I probably sleep for 10 hours of it, and listen to music for the other 14 hours. Whether I'm working, doing laundry, eating, I always have an ear-bud in my ear. "Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent."~Victor Hugo~.  I am always listening to music.

Lately, though, I found my old iPod Nano from about four years back and have been listening to that music. The genres vary: country, pop, jazz, movie soundtracks, etc...Until one day a song came on that I haven't heard in years. It has been on replay for the past 5 days, and will continue to be that way for about a week at the bare minimum.

All About Us -ft. Owl City by He Is We.

Back when my friendship with Quinn had just begun, I remember her saying that she loved the band He Is We. I'd only heard one song that they'd produced -All About Us. It wasn't my favorite song ever, but it was sweet and memorable. So, when she had said "I love He Is We, especially All About Us -it's such an adorable song", I tucked it into the back of my brain where I keep all the little tidbits of information on every person I interact with. Harmless, now that I think about it, but a dangerous pastime if you find yourself wanting to get over someone.

The ability to memorize small characteristics and attributes about people has always been fairly easy for me. It's like my brain is one giant storage cabinet filled with tons of files. When someone mentions their favorite color or a book they like, etc., my mind automatically writes that into their file. Granted, it's pretty handy when I need to buy a gift, or something like that. One would think, "Oh, that actually would be nice; you'd never worry about a birthday or Christmas present ever again." While that's true, this "skill" is also a freakin' curse. Every detail that I remember, no matter how insignificant or meaningless it may seem at the time, will go into my files. And once the info checks in, it never checks out. Updates, maybe, but never erases completely.

Why would this suck? It's pretty obvious. After spending so much time with Quinn -as well as every other girl that I've cared about- piles and piles of useless detail have begun cluttering my brain, and it's nearly impossible to remove. For example:

Quinn

• Has dance on Monday and Friday from 3-5, or 3-7. 
• She works from 3-8:30 on Tuesdays-Thursdays, as well as Saturday. 
• Rainy weather is her favorite. She hates the heat, especially during the summer, and prefers it to be cold.
• She has an extremely low tolerance to pain, and is prone to passing out when experiencing it.
• Some of her favorite candies are (when she eats them) Kit-Kats, Mambas, and chocolate.
• In her entire life, she's locked herself out of her car a total of 3 times, and had to use a wire to unlock it and retrieve her keys.
• She has 7 biological siblings, 5 adopted/step siblings, and most of them live nearby.

I could literally go on and on. Most of the ones above are facts, rather than little things about her likes/dislikes, but due to her right to privacy, I would never share those with anybody.

My point is, sometimes, it may not always be good to know someone that well; to be as close to someone as I was with her. The small details can either help or hurt you. On rainy days, I think of Quinn and how she always wanted to dance in it. Every time I hear a certain song, she pops into my head. I can't help it. It's definitely gotten easier to deal with as the time passes, but the memory of her will never check out. Through all of this, I've learned a valuable lesson: Sometimes life doesn't go the way you want it to, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it. All you can do is prepare yourself for the next storm, put up your walls, and wait it out.