The First Time

A few years ago, I was often struck by the fact that I liked quite a few people back then. As a matter of fact, I felt a little odd, thinking that maybe most people don't have this many crushes in high school. But, alas, as you're reading  this, you're probably thinking a few things. 1) I liked lotsa girls in high school. 2) I was always too scared to admit it. And 3) I'm a wussy. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't.

So what was the big deal? Why keep all these a secret? Was I really that insecure? I mean, I was in high school, and we were all above the suggested age to date (LDS church leaders encourage waiting to date until age 16, in case you didn't know). There was nothing wrong with it, as long as it wasn't too serious or exclusive, right? Right.

Yes, I liked Rylan. Yes, I liked Trinity. Yes, I liked many other girls my age, and all were different. But with every single crush, there was always one thing she and I had in common:

We're both girls. And if you haven't figured it out, yes, I'm a girl who likes girls.

Sure, in this day and age, that's not so uncommon. But there are still many who express their disagreement with that way of living. But remember how I mentioned my religion? That was where my uneasiness came from.

Growing up, I had always been taught that that particular way of life was an abomination, unnatural, and absolutely unforgivable. Yes, the church acknowledges that people do have those feelings, and most of the time, they can't help it; there's nothing they did wrong. But it's been made clear that acting on those feelings would do you much more harm than good. I stood -and still stand- by that value. Although it may seem strict and limiting from a separate point of  view, I still firmly believe that doing nothing is better than doing something. Others disagree, both those of my faith as well as not, but I will not change my stance.

Now, this doesn't mean that I'm over here hating myself. It doesn't mean that I judge those who do act on those feelings; It's their life, not mine. So why should I be judging them and poking my nose in their business? This is the general attitude I have for just about everything. It's sort of a "If that's what you want, then do it. It's not my life, it's yours" type of attitude. As long as other people aren't shoving their opinions down my throat and trying to change me, I'll be friends with anybody.

To my distress, not many in my community shared my views. Every time that topic was brought up, conversationally or just randomly, the people I was surrounded by couldn't help but share their opinion on it. "It's disgusting", "It's so wrong", "How could anyone be attracted to the same gender and be okay with it?" or, more commonly, "If that was me, I wouldn't do anything about it. I'd be able to control myself."

Of course, not every person in my city thought that, but it felt like it at the time. Heck, even my parents would do/say things that made me feel like I was unwelcome, unbeknownst to them. When Prop 8 was presented on the news, my mom changed the channel with a disgusted look on her face. I was afraid to show too much interest, constantly fearing that my family would somehow find out. In the middle of the night, when I became restless with insomnia, I would search anything and everything about the campaign online. When someone mentioned that a friend of theirs came out, or already had, there was always a look of disappointment on their face. I'm sure it was all subconsciously -nobody I knew was rude enough to be openly prejudiced or anything- but it still discouraged me from telling anybody until I was about 16 years old.


"Alex? What's wrong?" I can tell her voice is laced with concern as I hold the phone just inches away from my ear. 

"I-" my voice breaks, betraying my uncertainty. "Look, Blair, I need to tell you something. It's been on my mind a lot lately, and you're one of my closest friends." Not a total lie. I take a few deep breaths to prepare myself. I've never told anyone this before, and I'm absolutely terrified of what her reaction will be. 

"...Are you okay?" she asks worriedly. "You sound like you're going to be sick."

"Close enough," I mumble, then clear my throat. "No, I'm fine. It's just that-I haven't told anyone this before, and it's embarrassing. And I'm afraid that you won't want to be my friend after you hear it."

She scoffs into the microphone, "That's ridiculous! Why wouldn't I want to-" Her voice trails off, taking in my silence and realizing just how serious the topic is. "Alex? Is everything alright?"

I stand in my backyard, my voice just above a whisper. "Just promise you won't leave me alone." I fight back the stinging in my eyes, too nervous to speak. 

"Alex," I can barely hear her now. "Are-are you a lesbian?" I flinch when she says the last word. I'd never admitted aloud to myself what I was, but here she was, taking the words right out of my mouth.

"No," I say hurriedly, "Well, not exactly. A lesbian would imply action; a woman who identifies herself as physically being with another woman, while I would never do that. Technically speaking, I refer to it as 'same-gender attraction'. But yes. I suffer from same-sex attraction. And you can probably guess who I have it bad for..." My body begins to tremble, wondering if she'll pick up on the last part of my confession. To any other person, we might just seem like best friends. But I know better. And now, she does too.

"Oh Alex," I have the feeling she's shaking her head. My heart plummets as I try to fight back tears. That's it -she's freaked. She doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

"I completely understand if you don't want to be around me. It would be too uncomfortable and awkward, and who knows what problems this would cause." I reassure her as my eyes well up.

The line goes quiet for just a moment, before I hear her light-hearted tone, "Now why would you go and think a thing like that?" 

What?

"Alex, you're my friend," she continues. "I'm not going to just ditch you because you have a little crush on me. You're still my friend, and this isn't going to change that. You said yourself that you wouldn't act on it or anything, so I don't see what the problem is." 

"So, wait," I start, my voice betraying unbelief. "You're okay with all of this? It's not like, awkward or anything?"

" 'It's only awkward if you make it awkward'. " she mimics my voice teasingly, reciting a line that I find myself saying often to her. 

I swallow nervously, not trusting my voice. I hear somebody else enter the room, asking her a question. "Yeah," she says. "Just a minute. Hey Alex? I have to go eat dinner now, but I'll see you at school tomorrow, okay?"

I nod my head before realizing she can't see me. "Okay," I let a small smile tug on my mouth.

"Okay," she says with finality, content with my answer. "Remember; it's alright. I'll see you later."

"Bye."  I hang up the phone, then look up towards the sky. A huge grin comes to my face, and I pump my fist towards the air. "Yes!"


That was the first time I told anybody of what I was feeling inside.