Serious Fangirling

Alright, alright, alright. Time to tone down the seriousness for a bit and get a little happy going on.

As an avid Glee fan, those who don't hate the show ask me who my favorite character is. I usually tell them that it's Tina, or Artie, or heck, even Santana. While I love those characters dearly -truly, I do- they are FAR off my favorites. I don't tell anyone because A) I don't wanna seem too gay, and B) I don't want to tell them I have every line memorized from this character.

Who is it?

One Brittany S. Pierce:

(Season 3)

Sure, she's not the brightest crayon in the box and doesn't really have a purpose for three seasons, but she is by far my favorite character. And here's why.

• Her one-liners. "Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?"
• Her mad dancing skills. If you haven't seen her already, look up "Valerie", "Dance With Somebody", "Tik Tok", and basically every other song she is in. Mad. Skills. 
• The way her character interacts with Santana. I mean, come on. How sweet and innocent can she get?
• Last, but not least, her actor, Heather Morris. Or, as most of her fanbase has dubbed her; Hemo.

I guess you could say I'm a little obsessed with Glee; I won't deny it. But Hemo is one of the main reasons I've stayed with it. I don't exactly know why, but she is my main girl crush. Maybe it's the blonde hair and blue eyes. I seem to have a pattern with those traits, (Trinity, Quinn, Rylan, and more), but the fact that she's also very attractive...I stood no chance. I mean, just look at her eyes:

I.

Can't.

Even.

Also, she is adorable, both on and off the show. 

From Naya Rivera's twitter.

Glee the live tour

(Episode 3x10 "Yes/No")

The quote is from Santana Lopez, her best friend

(Episode 2x13 "Comeback")

I just can't even. But what really gets me is the friendship with Naya Rivera. On the show, their characters (who are dating), Brittany and Santana have a mash-up name: Brittana. Outside the show, they are most often referred to as Heya. (Heather-Naya)

 

Heya.

Add an adorable gif.

And the original Heya picture.

Not to mention the Brittana pinky-holding.

One more.

And then there's Hemo's amazingly toned body. I don't mean to objectify her in any way, shape, or form. If anything I'm appreciating her wonderful and rockin' bod.

 

Those arms.

(Glee the live tour: I'm a Slave 4 U)

Honestly, I'm not trying to be pervy or anything, I just want people to love her as much as I do. Also, I need to get this out of my system or I'm going to explode. Only one other person knows about my love for Hemo, and, as I tell him, I must be a Hemosexual. Basically, I love all things Brittana. Heck, I have a secret board on Pinterest that has way more pins on it than any of my other boards. To share the love, I will now show you why Brittana is endgame.

It's a good thing Ryan Murphy is having a Brittana wedding in the newest season (which doesn't release until January 9), because if he wasn't, I'd probably throw a fit. 

Oh gosh. Now I'm just fangirling. Sorry! This is so embarassing...But I have to get it out. In fact, as I type, I am currently watching my favorite episode of Glee ever: Season 3, episode 21, "Nationals". Most. Favorite. Ever. 

So anyway, that's my Glee/Hemo spheel. Thanks for suffering through it!

Cutting the Cord

A few months ago, I received a letter from Quinn. I woke up to an alert on my phone, saying that I received a text message. Normally, I wouldn't care so much that early in the morning (well, it was 11:30 am), but I opened it anyway.

Text message from: Quinn

You see, back then, I found myself getting nervous just at the thought of seeing her. At Mission Prep every week, I would arrive, sit, and psych myself out until I saw her walk through the door with Trinity. It took all my willpower to focus on the lesson, rather than the near-perfect view I had of Quinn's side profile. And honestly, it's still like that, sometimes. After dragging my new friend, Jared, with me each week, I have found something else to focus on. But my ADHD brain manages to catch every movement either of them makes. It's torture. But I still go. Why? To be completely honest, I don't want them to suspect that anything is wrong. I don't want others to think that, maybe, I can't stand to be in the same room as them. I mean, even though it's completely true, it's none of anybody's business, now is it? 

Anywho, I opened the text, heart pounding, and it read: 

There's a letter for you on your door.

What? I got up, practically ran to my front door, and yanked it open. Sure enough, there was a small envelope with the words "Alex Cohen" written on it. In her handwriting. 

Crap. I ripped it off the door, then made my way back to my room. A million thoughts were bouncing around in my head. Wait, why is she writing me this? Aren't we were good? She said we were not two weeks ago. What did I do? What do I do? Oh gosh, I can't go through all of this crap again. I can't stand it if she breaks it off again. 

"Get it together, Cohen. Just open the letter." So I did. I tore it open, nearly ripping the paper, and read:

Alex,

    Please know that I am writing this out of the love that I have for you. It's no secret that you and I have gone through a lot together. We have both learned very valuable lessons and had very enjoyable times together. Honestly; I've had a lot of fun with you throughout this friendship.

    I know you probably have an idea of what's coming so I will get to the point: It's time to cut the cord. Completely. And for real. I promise this is not out of spite or annoyance, however it may seem. It is truly out of my love and concern for you.

    Alex, we both know that you need to move on and go somewhere with your life. And that isn't happening. I know that part of that is because of your connection with me. I'm still in high school, and you aren't. It's time for you to pursue your dreams. Decide where you want to take your life. And He will help you, Alex. "If the Lord can feed five thousand people with a single loaf of bread, imagine what He can do with a single life."

    I really wish the best for you. You have such an incredible potential and I am pleading with you to fulfill it. It will take you to amazing places in this life and in the next. I hope you find what you want out of life and that you receive the help you need to make it back to our loving Father in Heaven. I want to help you, and I feel that "cutting the cord" is the best way to do so. I've prayed about this so much and fasted, too. And this is what I feel is right.

    I love you, Alex. The Lord loves you, and ALL things are possible because of Him. (Mark 10:27) All things, Alex. One hundred percent. You have reason to hope (Moroni 7:41), you have cause to rejoice (D&C 29:5). President Hinckley said, "Go forward in life with a twinkle in your eye and a smile on your face, but with great and strong purpose in heart."

I have faith in you, Alex. This really isn't easy, but please understand I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't feel it was the right thing to do. Go get 'em, Alex.

I'll be praying for you. (Moroni 8:3)

Quinn

For a few minutes, I just sat there, staring at my door. I couldn't process anything. I sat on my bed, not blinking, wondering what to make of this sudden decision.

Suddenly, my walls came crashing down. Emotions ran through my body, namely one: Anger. I can't believe she's doing this to me! Again. AGAIN! I looked at my clock, gauging how much time I had before the school bell rang at 11:51, ending lunch and signaling 5 minutes to get to the next class by 11:56. 

11:36. 15 minutes.

Good enough. 

Before I could think clearly, I pulled on my jacket, slipped on my shoes, and bolted out the door.

The thing is; I've never been a runner. I hate it, in fact. I'm no good at lasting very long. But that day, I made it to school in half the time it would've normally taken. Granted, I lived about 10 minutes away at a leisurely pace, but I made it there in 4.5. Not really caring what I looked like, I ran into the choir room, where all of the Madrigals would eat. 

11:40

I burst in the door, probably looking like I was crazy, and searched the room. There were kids everywhere. I ran from room to room, just in case she was moving. I couldn't find her. So I ran back outside. 

Once outside, I spotted a familiar flash of blonde. I looked, hopeful, then slumped my shoulders. It was Trinity. 

"Hey Trin!" I cupped my hands and shouted to her. "Have you seen Quinn?"

She squinted up at me, "We just got back from lunch, but she drove separately."

"Thanks!" I ran over to the seminary building, knowing that she would be pulling up any minute. 

11:45

I waited. Two minutes later, her familiar car pulled in its usual spot. 

11:47 

She got out of her car, grabbing her things from the backseat when I walked up to her. She didn't notice until she looked up. "You scared me!" A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth.

I wasn't having any of that. "What is this?!" I held up her note, adrenaline coursing through my already-hot veins.

Her expression faded, turning the conversation to a more serious standpoint. She didn't answer, but looked directly into my infuriated eyes. 

It took a moment for me to compose myself as I attempted to put all my feelings into one sentence.

11:49

"Why?" I'm pretty sure I did not look as confident as I felt, but after saying that, something inside me broke. My anger was gone, replaced by defeat.

"Because, Alex. I explained it in the letter." She motioned to the nearly crumpled envelope in my hand. "I fasted and prayed, and I felt like it was right." Her blue eyes connected with mine, sending a message of finality. 

11:51 

The first bell rang. Lunch was almost over. Our conversation was almost over.

She began walking towards the school, leaving me dumbfounded in the parking lot. After shaking my head to clear my thoughts, I ran after her. 

"Wait!" I called, she ignored me. "Fine." I had caught up to her at that point, standing directly in front of her with the last of my conviction. "But don't I at least get a hug goodbye?"

Quinn stopped, surprised by my words, then looked down at the pavement. 

"No."

She brushed past me, making her way into the school. I stared after her, wishing with all my heart that she would look back before the final bell rang.

She didn't.

11:56

Lunch was officially over. Whatever friendship we had, was gone. And it took only 20 minutes.

Girl's Camp

Every year, the girls in our stake who were 12-18 years old took a one-week camping trip. Wards would set up camp in separate areas, sometimes very close to each other. It was a long-time tradition that every girl looked forward to.

Normally, I'd be excited at the prospect of spending time with my friends in the ward, but this year was different. I wasn't friends with any of the younger girls, and I could only tolerate a couple who were my age. Because of this unfortunate fact, I spent as much time away from our camp as possible. 

Lucky for me, karma was on my side. While I was exploring the first day, I discovered that Quinn's ward was camped just above mine. A small trail from my campfire led straight to their tents, and I took advantage of it as often as I could. 

I looked up at Sage, grinning from ear to ear. "Really? You guys wouldn't mind if I sleep with you guys a couple nights?"

"Yeah, totally!" Quinn exclaimed, bouncing up and down. 

"Whoa, there, Quinn!" I placed my hand on her leg to keep her from wiggling, but the cot slid in and out of place.

Sage laughed, pointing at Quinn's t-shirt, "I can see your belly-button!"

"Oh!" Quinn blushed, tugging her shirt down where it had ridden up a couple of inches. She pulled her blanket up to her chin in embarrassment.

"It's just your belly-button," I gently tap her indented chin with my knuckle, "It's not like you're flashing us or anything."

Sage snorted, nodding her head in agreement.

"I mean," I began playfully, "You have two more, anyway." I tapped my index finger on the dent in her chin, motioning to it and her dimple. She'd told me before that she was self-conscious about them, and I couldn't hold it back.

"Hey!" she whined, shooting me a glare. "That's not fair! I don't like them." Her blanket crawled up to her face, covering it in shame.

"Aw, come on, Quinnie," I reached out to her in an embrace, "You know I'm only teasing you! I think they're cute." I pulled her into my side and whispered that last part so only she could hear. 

"Yeah, me too!" piped in one of the other girls, Ashlyn. Whoops, I leaned my head on Quinn's, Guess that was a little louder than I thought. 

I rubbed my hands up and down her arms, coaxing her to rejoin the conversation. Instead, she leaned into me for a moment, snaking her arm around my waist. I smile at the movement, ignoring everyone else in the tent. A minute later, I curled my finger under her chin, tilting her head up and giving her no choice but to look at me. 

"I'm sorry," I said sincerely, "I was just teasing." I gave her my sweetest smile, asking for forgiveness.

She squinted her eyes at me, debating whether she should forgive me or not. She finally sighed in defeat, rolling her eyes as she tilted her had back against my shoulder. "Fine."

"Yes!" I pumped both of my fists to the air, releasing her from my embrace. She just shook her head at me, blue eyes crinkling from the grin that snuck onto her face. "Admit it, you love me."

"Whatever," she replied cheekily, sitting up straight. The smile remained on her face.

"You guys are so cute," Sage interjected, earning surprised looks from everyone. "At your guys' wedding-"

"WHAT?!" Quinn and I both shouted at the same time. Heat rose quickly to my face, and Quinn's as well.

Sage threw her hands up in defense, continuing her sentence, "-if one of you was a boy-"

We both exhaled, realizing what she was saying.

"-I would totally be the photographer. Just because you're adorable together" She finished, laughing at our reactions.

"You are SO weird, Sage," Quinn quickly brushed off the idea of us getting married. "A) We're both girls, B) I'm in high school-"

"And C)," I shot Sage a smirk, "We'd never invite you anyway. You're too insane." A pillow hit my face before I finished my comment.

It fell to my lap, and I glanced at Quinn. She was covering her mouth, trying to stifle her laughter. I dropped my voice, barely loud enough for her to hear. "What? It's true."

She swatted my shoulder, "Be nice!" I retaliated by shoving the pillow into her face, starting an all-out war between the girls.

As I watched the girls swing at each other with pillows, I couldn't help but love each and every one of them.

 Yeah, I'm think I'll enjoy camp this year.

Apologies

Hey everyone! Just really quick, I must apologize for how scatterbrained this blog is and will be. There will be multiple backstories with multiple people in no particular order. I just write 'em as I feel. So it will be very confusing for the rest of the time. But, eventually, you'll get the full story of each person. Right now, I'm working on a couple of very lengthy posts, so just bear with me. Thanks!

Moments

Throughout the year, we (Quinn and I) had many...Moments. Moments where it was just us, with nobody to be but ourselves. These are the moments that I will remember for the rest of my life. Some were more prominent than others, while some only lasted a few minutes. While I remember all of them distinctly, there's one that loves to float around in my mind.


I pat the ground next to me, gesturing for her to sit. "Come on. Sit down."

I can barely make out her outline in the darkness as she takes my offer. Resting her back against the door, she slides down to the ground. Something is troubling her.

"What is it?" I turn towards her, eyes still adjusting to the dim light. She doesn't look at me and leans her head back against the door, staring at the ceiling.

"I don't know," she says, clearly keeping something from me. "I just have a lot on my mind."

It saddens me to see her so weighed down. She's normally full of energy and joy, and seeing her like this breaks my heart. 

"You know," I begin slowly, "Remember when I said that you'd always have my shoulder to lean on? That's still totally up for grabs." I give her a half-hearted smile before realizing she can't see it. 

I hear her laugh lightly, then begin to move. Since I'm taller than her, I have to slouch for her head to rest comfortably on my shoulder. While we adjust, her shoulder moves slightly behind mine, leaving us to lean on each other. As she settles in, the smell of her overloads my senses. I lean my head on hers, taking all of it in, when I suddenly feel a tickling sensation on my outstretched hand. 

I tense for a split-second, mentally preparing myself for the spider bite that is sure to come. But it doesn't. It takes me a moment to register that the tickling feeling is her fingertips sliding up towards mine. My breath catches in my throat, mind buzzing from the fact that she actually wants to hold my hand. I shift my gaze down to where her fingers are lacing through mine and think, A perfect fit. I smile and sigh, not wanting the moment to end.

She must've heard me, because she tilts her head up on my shoulder, squinting at me through the dark. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I chuckle. "I thought it was a spider for a second, and I was going to go all ninja on it."

I feel her smile beside me, then lay her head back down. We sit in a comfortable silence for a while, neither of us saying anything, despite all of the things I want to tell her.

I mentally restrain myself from opening my mouth, afraid I won't be able to stop talking once I start. I want to say, "Quinn, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I never knew what it was like to love somebody so completely, and have them feel the same in return. Of all the people in my life, none of them will be as adorable, as amazing, or as fulfilling as you are. You make me feel like I am worth something, that I don't have to hide who I am. Because when I'm around you, I never do. You've seen all the darkest parts of me, yet you care for me just as much as you would if you didn't know. I know I always say 'I love you', but it's true. 100%. I legitimately don't care about anything else on this planet as long as you're beside me. When I'm with you...I finally understand what people are talking about when they talk about love."

Tears well up behind my eyes, threatening to spill out. I manage to fight nearly all of them back, with the exception of one rolling down my cheek. I don't wipe it away, not wanting to disrupt the moment. Instead, I just close my eyes and rest my head on hers, breathing her in. 


At that moment, where we just listened to each other breathing, leaning against one another -that was the happiest moment of my life. I felt so content, like the world could be ending and I wouldn't bat an eyelash. Everything I'd ever wanted was right beside me, and I didn't even realize it until then. 

Quinn was all I'd ever wanted. 

I mean, obviously I needed more than just a person, but it didn't seem that way. At that exact moment in time, I could've lived for hundreds of years off the love I had for that girl. It went so much deeper than anything I'd ever felt before. It was like there was a tether from her to my chest, tugging me ever closer towards her. I couldn't manage to get my boy close enough to hers. Every time I hugged her, I held her as tight as I could, trying to relieve the pull  that seemingly dragged me to her. I couldn't get enough of her. Her smell, her presence, her. I spent every possible minute by her side, always having physical contact. I'd lay my head on her shoulder, rest my hand on her thigh, or even wrap my arm around her waist. 

Was it a little weird for everyone else? Maybe. Probably.

Should I have been that close? Maybe. Probably not.  

Did I care? 

Not. One. Bit. 

She was my best friend, and I was hers. There was nothing that could change that. 

Or so I thought. 

Quinn

Greetings. I know I wrote earlier about Rylan, and I'm sure I bored all of you with those two obnoxiously long back-stories, but my brain has decided to go a little crazy and only focus on one thing. Or, should I say, one person.

Oh, and before you ask; yes, this person is a girl, and no, I did not have feelings for her like I did the others-which you will no doubt read about later.

This particular person was one of my  main reasons for starting this blog. I wanted to ease into my story with her by introducing the ones that came before her, such as Rylan. My brain disagrees. And sadly, I must do what it commands -what with my entire existence depending on its wishes and demands.

Well, here it is. Hopefully, it won't be too long, but there are no promises. And there might be more than one flashback as well, so just bear with me.

Her name is Quinn.

She was...the best friend I could have ever asked for. Quinn was one of those people that smiled at random people, just to make their day better. She was always the first to jump at any opportunity to help somebody out, even if that meant sacrificing her own needs or desires. Need help carrying something in? Quinn was there. Having a bad day? She was always there. No matter what it cost her, she was always doing good and serving everyone but herself.

Because of her being, well, her, I decided to confide in her my secret while at their house. It was about her identical twin sister, Trinity -with whom she was extremely close. The secret? I was quietly crushing on Trinity. Not too much, and not too obviously, but enough to make me want to spill my guts to her sister, Quinn. I obviously couldn't share that little bit of information with Trin: we interacted too much for it to be even semi-comfortable. I don't even know why I told her; I barely knew Quinn at the time.

Like I said in my first post, Karma sucks. As I was in the middle of telling Quinn all about myself, Trinity walked into the room and said, "What are you guys up to?"


I looked at Quinn, eyes begging for her to stay quiet. "Uh, nothing. Just chatting about the dance last night." Quinn and I had been in the same group for our school's girls-choice dance, the Sadie Hawkins. I wasn't going to outright lie to her; I could never do that. 

She raised a doubtful eyebrow, glancing back and forth between us suspiciously. She looked at Quinn for more information.

Quinn stared at me, conflicted about what to tell her twin. After a moment, she nodded her head. "Yep, that's right."

Eyebrow still fully raised, Trinity asked, "Is that all?"

I don't know why I didn't just leave it at that, but I blurted out, "No!" After receiving confused looks from both girls, I continued sheepishly, "No, that wasn't everything, but it wasn't like the other stuff was important." 

"Okay..." Trinity trails off doubtfully. I expected her to leave the room, but she remained rooted to that spot, expecting us to continue. 

Crap. I very well couldn't just continue on talking about her without her catching on, but my mind couldn't seem to piece together words into a sensible sentence. She had that effect on me sometimes.

Before I could filter any thoughts, my mouth opened and the words, "Could you, uh, go...?" slipped out. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid. I mentally beat myself for being so forward and rude.

I could tell that I had hurt her, but she just nodded and walked back out without another word. Before completely turning, she cast a confused glance at Quinn, asking for an explanation. Quinn's eyes were downcast, avoiding her gaze. We were alone.


And that's when everything went downhill. In case you're thinking "YOU'RE AN IDIOT!", I would have to agree with you. Yes, that was one of the worst mistakes I've made in my life. It was the start of a slow decline, and it was torturous.

The rest of the evening was...tense, to say the least. Almost immediately after we finished talking, I ran upstairs to say goodbye to Trinity. I guess I wanted to make sure she wasn't angry or upset, but I had a snowball's chance in hell after I'd so insensitively kicked her out. After all, I had been closer with her than Quinn at the time.


"Trin!" The room was filled with noisy house guests, all doing a separate -yet equally loud- activity. I saw the flash of blonde hair and knew she'd seen me. She was playing a game of ping-pong with one of her cousins, and she leaned over to tell her something before making her way over to me.

She didn't look upset, but I could tell she was still a little thrown off from before. She stopped just in front of me, arms crossed, blue eyes boring into my own dark ones. Despite the awkwardness, she cracked a smile and said, "Yes?"

"I'm leaving," I stated matter-of-factly. "So come on and give your bestie a hug." I opened my arms with a small grin, waiting for her to take my offer.

As she leaned into the embrace, I caught the words, "Are you going to tell me what you were talking about?"

I pulled away, giving her my full attention. "Not right now. Maybe later." I said honestly. Again, more mental beating.

She opened her mouth to say something, but then paused, unsure if she should or not. "Was it about me?"

I nearly stopped breathing. I can't lie to her. "Yes. Ish. But we weren't like, gossiping or anything. Nothing bad. And it wasn't a lot. Just a mention, really." I ramble on, shoving my foot even deeper into my mouth than I had before.

"Uh-huh." She can tell I'm trying to cover something. "Well, I guess I'll see you at rehearsal tomorrow morning, then." And turns, walking back to her game.

Crap.

I ran downstairs and caught Quinn in a conversation with an elderly relative. I stood by, waiting for her to finish up before grabbing her arm somewhat gently.

"Quinn," she could probably smell the fear wafting off me. "You cannot tell Trin what we were talking about under any circumstances, okay?" 

She looked down at my hand around her arm, eyebrows knit in confusion. I let go, realizing that some people might think I was crazy. "Sorry," I mumbled, "I'm just worried that, I dunno..."

She looked back up at me, understanding what I was asking, and I noticed her azure eyes are just a tad bit darker than her twin sister's. "Yeah, no worries. I won't tell her anything."

Whew. I let out a small sigh of relief, "Thank you. So much. I'm not asking you to lie to her, but...Just don't tell her everything." 

A smile appears on her face, "Of course." My brother made eye contact with me across the room, motioning that we were leaving. 

"Thank you again so much!" I slipped my arm around her shoulders for a quick squeeze. "I appreciate it more than you know!" I ran out to where my brother was waiting for me, nervous about how things would play out for the next couple months.


That's how my friendship with Quinn started, but there was going to be a lot more for me to worry about than if Trinity discovered my little secret.

The First Time

A few years ago, I was often struck by the fact that I liked quite a few people back then. As a matter of fact, I felt a little odd, thinking that maybe most people don't have this many crushes in high school. But, alas, as you're reading  this, you're probably thinking a few things. 1) I liked lotsa girls in high school. 2) I was always too scared to admit it. And 3) I'm a wussy. Maybe you are, maybe you aren't.

So what was the big deal? Why keep all these a secret? Was I really that insecure? I mean, I was in high school, and we were all above the suggested age to date (LDS church leaders encourage waiting to date until age 16, in case you didn't know). There was nothing wrong with it, as long as it wasn't too serious or exclusive, right? Right.

Yes, I liked Rylan. Yes, I liked Trinity. Yes, I liked many other girls my age, and all were different. But with every single crush, there was always one thing she and I had in common:

We're both girls. And if you haven't figured it out, yes, I'm a girl who likes girls.

Sure, in this day and age, that's not so uncommon. But there are still many who express their disagreement with that way of living. But remember how I mentioned my religion? That was where my uneasiness came from.

Growing up, I had always been taught that that particular way of life was an abomination, unnatural, and absolutely unforgivable. Yes, the church acknowledges that people do have those feelings, and most of the time, they can't help it; there's nothing they did wrong. But it's been made clear that acting on those feelings would do you much more harm than good. I stood -and still stand- by that value. Although it may seem strict and limiting from a separate point of  view, I still firmly believe that doing nothing is better than doing something. Others disagree, both those of my faith as well as not, but I will not change my stance.

Now, this doesn't mean that I'm over here hating myself. It doesn't mean that I judge those who do act on those feelings; It's their life, not mine. So why should I be judging them and poking my nose in their business? This is the general attitude I have for just about everything. It's sort of a "If that's what you want, then do it. It's not my life, it's yours" type of attitude. As long as other people aren't shoving their opinions down my throat and trying to change me, I'll be friends with anybody.

To my distress, not many in my community shared my views. Every time that topic was brought up, conversationally or just randomly, the people I was surrounded by couldn't help but share their opinion on it. "It's disgusting", "It's so wrong", "How could anyone be attracted to the same gender and be okay with it?" or, more commonly, "If that was me, I wouldn't do anything about it. I'd be able to control myself."

Of course, not every person in my city thought that, but it felt like it at the time. Heck, even my parents would do/say things that made me feel like I was unwelcome, unbeknownst to them. When Prop 8 was presented on the news, my mom changed the channel with a disgusted look on her face. I was afraid to show too much interest, constantly fearing that my family would somehow find out. In the middle of the night, when I became restless with insomnia, I would search anything and everything about the campaign online. When someone mentioned that a friend of theirs came out, or already had, there was always a look of disappointment on their face. I'm sure it was all subconsciously -nobody I knew was rude enough to be openly prejudiced or anything- but it still discouraged me from telling anybody until I was about 16 years old.


"Alex? What's wrong?" I can tell her voice is laced with concern as I hold the phone just inches away from my ear. 

"I-" my voice breaks, betraying my uncertainty. "Look, Blair, I need to tell you something. It's been on my mind a lot lately, and you're one of my closest friends." Not a total lie. I take a few deep breaths to prepare myself. I've never told anyone this before, and I'm absolutely terrified of what her reaction will be. 

"...Are you okay?" she asks worriedly. "You sound like you're going to be sick."

"Close enough," I mumble, then clear my throat. "No, I'm fine. It's just that-I haven't told anyone this before, and it's embarrassing. And I'm afraid that you won't want to be my friend after you hear it."

She scoffs into the microphone, "That's ridiculous! Why wouldn't I want to-" Her voice trails off, taking in my silence and realizing just how serious the topic is. "Alex? Is everything alright?"

I stand in my backyard, my voice just above a whisper. "Just promise you won't leave me alone." I fight back the stinging in my eyes, too nervous to speak. 

"Alex," I can barely hear her now. "Are-are you a lesbian?" I flinch when she says the last word. I'd never admitted aloud to myself what I was, but here she was, taking the words right out of my mouth.

"No," I say hurriedly, "Well, not exactly. A lesbian would imply action; a woman who identifies herself as physically being with another woman, while I would never do that. Technically speaking, I refer to it as 'same-gender attraction'. But yes. I suffer from same-sex attraction. And you can probably guess who I have it bad for..." My body begins to tremble, wondering if she'll pick up on the last part of my confession. To any other person, we might just seem like best friends. But I know better. And now, she does too.

"Oh Alex," I have the feeling she's shaking her head. My heart plummets as I try to fight back tears. That's it -she's freaked. She doesn't want to be my friend anymore.

"I completely understand if you don't want to be around me. It would be too uncomfortable and awkward, and who knows what problems this would cause." I reassure her as my eyes well up.

The line goes quiet for just a moment, before I hear her light-hearted tone, "Now why would you go and think a thing like that?" 

What?

"Alex, you're my friend," she continues. "I'm not going to just ditch you because you have a little crush on me. You're still my friend, and this isn't going to change that. You said yourself that you wouldn't act on it or anything, so I don't see what the problem is." 

"So, wait," I start, my voice betraying unbelief. "You're okay with all of this? It's not like, awkward or anything?"

" 'It's only awkward if you make it awkward'. " she mimics my voice teasingly, reciting a line that I find myself saying often to her. 

I swallow nervously, not trusting my voice. I hear somebody else enter the room, asking her a question. "Yeah," she says. "Just a minute. Hey Alex? I have to go eat dinner now, but I'll see you at school tomorrow, okay?"

I nod my head before realizing she can't see me. "Okay," I let a small smile tug on my mouth.

"Okay," she says with finality, content with my answer. "Remember; it's alright. I'll see you later."

"Bye."  I hang up the phone, then look up towards the sky. A huge grin comes to my face, and I pump my fist towards the air. "Yes!"


That was the first time I told anybody of what I was feeling inside.

Rylan

Rylan. She was somethin' else. I wasn't exactly attracted to her from day one so much as I was fascinated. She was so interesting to me, and I wanted to "figure her out", for lack of better words. However, my plan to know her better was thwarted by the fact that we were in different grades and different schools. In addition to the age difference, she ended up dropping out of the one number that we were in together.

Karma must've had some personal vendetta against me or something.

However, I was able to talk to her and Whitney backstage, increasing the amount of time spent between us. We laughed, we talked, we teased...it was fantastic. We were the three musketeers, per se. But, like all good things, the show came to an end all too soon. It wasn't until May that I saw her and Whitney again, when they were auditioning for our school's advanced choir. As it so happens, I was already a part of that choir.

I guess Karma decided I'd suffered enough.

Lucky for me- I mean, them; lucky for them- both of my friends had made it. I was mentally bouncing off the walls when I saw the sheet with their names printed on it. Before I knew it, summer flew by and it was time to start the new school year. With every rehearsal, Whitney, Ry and I grew closer. We laughed, we talked, we teased, all that good stuff.

Then, three months later, everything changed. I received a call from one of my friends that Whitney had been in a terrible freak accident, causing her to be life-flighted to the emergency room. The chances of her surviving? Low. None of it seemed real. Of all people, why her? She was the most innocent and sweet of all of us.

Two days later, Whitney passed away. While her death affected all of the choir members, it seemed to hit harder with me and Ry. We had been her closest friends in the choir. When she passed, everything felt off -like something was missing. Rylan and I grew closer than before, leaning on each other for support. Of course, it didn't help my situation at all. I had been crushing on Rylan ever since I met her. 

Throughout the rest of the year, we maintained a close relationship. If there was any chance I could see her, I would take it. I would walk the long way to class just to get a glimpse of her. Kinda weird; I know. But every one of my thoughts was filled with her smiling face and multicolored eyes.

Towards the end of the year, I decided to tell her my big secret: I liked her, and I couldn't help it. I don't know what drove me to do that, but I felt this relentless urge to share it with her.

Long story short, she didn't take it well (grammatical pun intended. You know, "it"...? Nevermind). I can't exactly blame her, this newfound information making it extremely awkward to be around me, but I didn't expect it to go downhill so quickly. As soon as I told her, all interaction between us stopped. I was too afraid to speak to her about it, so I avoided her like the plague, which she was just fine with. Fortunately, there was only one month of school left, giving me a refreshing two-month break before seeing her again.

Soon enough, the first day of school started. It was a nerve-wracking day for me, wondering if she would ever talk to me again. Naturally, I didn't approach her; I wanted her to be comfortable enough to come find me. Eventually she did. Slowly, oh so slowly, we rebuilt our friendship, avoiding any mention of my secret. If ignoring the problem was the only way for us to become friends, I was happy to do it. However, as soon as the tension was broken, it was almost as if nothing had changed. Almost. But despite the different atmosphere, our new friendship was better, in a way. I can't exactly explain it, but once she was used to the idea of "it", she was much more comfortable and friendly.

I don't exactly know why I'm telling you all of this; I just felt the need to tell someone. Even if there's no one reading this right now, it feels like a huge burden off my chest. Of course, this isn't the only experience I'll be sharing -this is only the beginning.

"It"

I'm back! If you're reading this, chances are you read my first post "Hello!". That being the case, I shall now address what "it" is, (or was, technically).

It. "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times..."

It. It sits in the back of my head, dying to be shared.

It. It was...unforgettable.

During my high school years, just like any other teenager, I had crushes. Many. Well, most of them were during my sophomore year, but I would jump from girl to girl, silently admiring them from a distance. Of course, I never actually did anything about it, but they each impacted my life. I won't be writing about all of them; just those who made the most difference. The first girl was Rylan. I met her during my sophomore year while rehearsing for our musical review that the drama department put on every spring.

(These stories will be told in the form of a present or past tense flashback (depending on my mood), and will be typed in italics just to clear up some confusion.)

"Freak, this 40 year-old seminary teacher can dance better than I can," I mumble quietly to myself. My back begins to ache as I hunch halfway over in the group of nearly 30 kids that surround me. We're all squished together for this part of the song, trying in vain not to succumb to our closet claustrophobia.

The girl in front of me chuckles lightly, saying, "I know right? He's 25 years older than me, and I still suck at doing this."

My head jerks up, her reply catching me by surprise. I'm met with a small smile and multi-colored eyes staring back at me. My breath catches in my throat when I realize how close in proximity we are to one another. Her light brown hair falls across the back of her faded pink dress as she looks over her shoulder.

I glance around us before lowering my voice a tad, "To be completely honest, I've always sucked at dancing. And anything that involves, well, body movement or flexibility." I laugh at my own expense, hoping to break the already-thin ice.

She grins. "Me too. It's embarrassing." We continue the conversation easily throughout rehearsal, both tuning out the instructor and his directions as we joke about our lack of coordination.

Before long, our choreographer yells "Okay, kids! Good work today! I'll see you all on Wednesday, and don't be late!" The majority of the kids move backstage, gathering their supplies before heading home. I scan the crowd, looking for the familiar face. 

There. She's talking to a wiry girl whom I recognize as a friend of my younger sister, James. I walk over to them, devising a way to introduce myself without being completely awkward about it. When I reach them, they both look up at me expectantly.

"So," I begin casually, "I noticed that you have the same last name as someone in my grade. She wouldn't happen to be your sister, now would she?" At the start of the rehearsal, our instructor had taken roll, and miraculously, I remembered the small girl's name. Rylan. She's the same age as my sister.

The corner of her mouth tugs upward as she replies, "Yes, she is. And I believe you have a sister in my grade, correct?"  

I raise my hands in defense. "Guilty," I grin. I direct my next words at the small girl next to Rylan. "It's Whitney, right? You're James' friend. I've seen you hanging out with her before." 

"Yep," she smiles warmly, "We have the same group of friends, so I've seen her around before." 

"Well, you might already know this, but I'm Alex," I extend my hand to her, going for the formal approach. 

"Whitney," she takes my hand gently. I turn to Rylan, expecting her to do the same. 

"Rylan," she laughs, gripping my outstretched hand. "It's nice to meet you."

"Same," I say, smiling. I get the feeling this is the beginning of great friendship.


There you have it. the first time I met Ry. You'll probably get the low-down on her in my next few posts, so you'll have to wait and see what happens. :) Thanks for reading! I'll post more later!

Hello!

Alright! First things first; I'm very new to all of this blogger-stuff, so forgive me if I sound like an idiot on the internet trying to carry a blog. From what I understand, a blog is basically about your life/whatever you want it to be, right? Well, true to its name, mine is going to be full of mindless ramblings. I'm warning you now: you will probably hear about certain people more than once, hence my giving you an opportunity to turn back now while you still can. Otherwise, enjoy. 

Once upon a time...Ew. Nevermind. Forget that.

As I was growing up, I always lived a very -to put it lightly- sheltered life. Raised in a devout LDS family and community, I saw life a little differently than most kids. Or should I say we. All of the kids I grew up with also lived a little differently. Sure, life was fairly normal; go to school, play with my friends, the usual. But the main difference was that there wasn't exactly a real sense of danger there. There were rarely ever crimes committed, and if so, they were lighter crimes such as shoplifting or robbing a store. I could walk down to the park by myself at age 10. The same goes with anything that has to do with maturing/growing up in this big, bad world of ours. I didn't have "the talk" until I was 14, and didn't even understand it until I was 16. Yeah, I watched the news with my parents, even as a kid (no judgement), but it all seemed so surreal to me that such terrible things actually happened.

So yes, you could say I was an innocent child.

Anywho, none of this stopped me from this insatiable need to know. I had this urge to fill my head with anything and everything I possibly could, leading me to an open-mindedness that I wasn't used to seeing. You see, fortunately, the majority of the community shared my beliefs and standards. Unfortunately, as a result of said mutual beliefs, not many people were as open to (and I say this with the utmost respect) opinions that clashed with their own.

Now don't get me wrong; none of them were prejudiced or outwardly hostile towards those who were, per se, but it had been instilled into my brain that I should grow up thinking certain things, acting a certain way...that type of thing.

Wow. Now I really am rambling. My whole purpose for this blog is to share some experiences I've had the past few years. For some odd reason, putting it all out there just feels so much better than keeping it inside.

What is "it", you may ask? Now that is a completely different story.